Things never to say to a new parent

It takes a village to raise a child. But sometimes villagers needs to learn when to shut their traps!

Here are some things you should avoid saying to new parents.

When’s your baby due?

I had her 3 months ago *sniff*

Treasure every moment.

Lovely sentiment, but right now…? Gah!

So when are you having your next one?

” ” ” ” ” ???

A little girl… you must want a boy next.

See previous response.

Have you thought about where you will send them to school?

See previous and previous previous response.

New parent - Dad and baby in pool

I would never let my baby bottle feed/use a dummy/control-cry.

That’s funny. The person before you say they would never let their child breastfeed/suck on their thumbs/get on-demand affection. Can y’all stop confusing me and just admit that no matter what we parents do, we are ALWAYS wrong?

You shouldn’t let your child bottle feed/use a dummy/control-cry or else he will end up being buck toothed/even more buck-toothed/an adult baby (who’s also buck-toothed). 

Thank you for a more sophisticated variant of the previous comment because now I have cause and effect – SCIENCE!

I’ll have you know that my cousin refused to do his poo poos in the potty till he was 6. And now he is 30 and fully toilet-trained!

Well, apart from that one time last week when he got really really drunk – but you don’t need to know that.

You should sleep when the baby is sleeping.

Probably wise advice, except that $h!t needs to be done.

You look exhausted!

Are you coming on to me? *WINK*

You won’t know tired until you have another one/five/eight.

It’s not a competition.

Haha your baby looks like Donald Trump.

Now you’re coming on to my baby?? Inappropriate!

Your baby looks nothing like you or your partner

Just what are you implying here? Donald Trump wasn’t even in the country when the baby was conceived… or was he???


My child started talking at 6 months.

That’s nice. At what age will you start talking non-obnoxiously?

(To the baby) Oh you poor cold little thing! Did silly mummy forget your socks?

Talk about passive aggressive. I’m right here. Why don’t you ask me directly whether I intend for my kid to turn blue and develop pneumonia, all so I can save money on socks? And while you’re at it, can you please retrieve the five socks he has flung onto five separate busy roads today?


I might be saying “gesundheit” and angling my baby ever so slightly away from you. But my brain is screaming “Stay away from us you infectious germ-monger!!”

We’re going to an all-night rave with Ozzie Osbourne and the remaining members of the Beatles then kite-surfing in the morning. What are YOU up to this weekend?